Find the silver lining…
I’ve had about 9 hours of sleep total in the past 2 days.
9 hours of torture.
I’ll be honest, not making it as far as I had wanted to in the tryout really really hit me hard, not just because I didn’t make it far… but it got into my head. The disappointment seeped into my brain, making me question every single aspect of who I am.
Every. Single. Aspect.
From how I trained, to what I looked like, to my personality, to the life choices I had made this year, every part of me I questioned.
Suddenly I felt so very lost, and in that 7 hour trip back home from Calgary.. I spiraled into a vortex of sad. What am I going to do with my life? What does the future look like? Am I good enough for anything? Do I jam or block? Is it worth it to get out of bed in the morning without the goal to fight for? Why did I work so hard to get nowhere?
In those moments, I find myself looking back, missing old habits and old routines..
.. again, more spiraling.
… and then I hear a voice, one that tells me that I need to stop looking back, that everything is ahead of me.
At 5:30 am this morning, after a terrible dream… I decided I wasn’t going be the victim of my own self-sabotage.
I am not going to be the victim. I am smart. I am strong, I am worth knowing. I am a good person. I am going to fight.
I am going to have a good day.
… and that’s the goal, at least for today.. to have a good day.
I realize that I’ve gotten far as a skater, and more so as a person. I am stronger now than I was yesterday.. and I take that strength and try to become better. So, all that hard work wasn’t for nothing, it was a grind each day.. a lesson to be learned about balance and finding life outside of a passion.
Today, I’m going to have a good day.
I’m going to smile and look at the simple things in life… a pretty song, the company of someone special, the simple fact that I am alive.
I’m going to work towards small goals, instead of one giant over-reaching one. I’m going to just.. live for the moment, and not have to worry about some arbitrary thing that looms over my head for years…
.. I’m going to have fun.
I’m going to have a good day.